Every Sunday, I try to turn to YouTube for a word from God. A friend of mine introduced me to a certain channel that I tend to lean on when I need a good word. This week, I watched a video titled "Stone-Cold". When Sara Jakes Roberts said "the generations are depending on your testimony" I felt that in my spirit. My brain began thinking of all the things that I have survived and I decided that I needed to tell someone about my breakthrough.
Stone-Cold really describes who I have become in these thirty years of my life. I am stone cold in the sense that I am always so caught up in the negativity of my life, in the hurdles I've had to jump through, in the moments where I struggled with my own worth.
Early in the sermon, Sara said that childhood trauma lingers. In everyone's story you can find that moment of trauma that continues to influence their decision making and the way in which they interact with others. I know and understand that for me, it was the first moment where I knew I was alone in this world. I believe that I turned stone cold when I was raped at six years old. The most vivid memory that I have of the first time was that at that moment, I kept thinking to myself that I really just wanted to play with dolls, I wanted to pretend to be a princess, I wanted to feel protected and safe, but the reality was that I was no longer in a safe space. In that moment, the things that I wanted became distant as I was taken into the darkness.
So now at thirty years old, even when everything is going my way, and I am on the verge of moving into moments where I am feeling protected and safe, I am more often than not unable to truly live in the moment. I remain stone-cold at any opportunity of greatness for myself because I wait for someone or something to come along and snatch it from me. When working with my business, pitching to a clients, writing my books, building my house, I think about those moments that continued to be the darkness in my life for six years, and I literally wait for something to go wrong. Some may even say that I manifest negativity because I am so used to the things I want or need being snatched from me.
One note that I took from the sermon was the saying that "if God allowed it, it was because he knew you could survive it and that he could redeem you." This clicked with me instantly because I am someone who constantly questions God. The "Why Me?" and the "What did I do to deserve this?", and the "Why Not Me?" are typical questions that I ask when I feel like something is taken away from me. But I think today, I have found the answer to my own questions.
Why Me? I realized that I have survived six years of sexual abuse as a child, toxic relationships, two suicide attempts, and countless other obstacles. Every time I have survived something, I've accomplished something to sort of cancel out that issue. And every time I have accomplished something. I have been able to share and inspire someone else to do the same. So, why me? I believe God is truly using me as a vessel to show the miracles that he is capable of.
What did I do to deserve this? I believe today that the answer to this question is simple, I SURVIVED. God has made me strong enough to weather any storm with a smile on my face and while many times I feel alone, the reality is, I am never alone with Him.
Why NOT Me? I tend to ask this question whenever I have to work hard for something and I see someone else not having to work as hard. I may also ask it when I see someone win the lottery or have the luck that I never seem to have. Today, I feel that God knows that I will get it with Him regardless and I will appreciate it more because I worked for it. And because I have to work hard for things, I actually work harder to break all barriers and have an ambition that allows me to go higher and higher. So the why NOT me answer is that I am special. I am fearlessly and wonderfully made. As long as I have to work for things that I want and need, the sky itself will never be the limit, there is no limit to my greatness.
If you have the opportunity to watch the sermon on Youtube, I encourage you to watch it. If you are going through anything in your life right now or are in a place similar to mine where it's hard to see anything go right, remember that "If God Allowed It, I Can Survive It."
I share more about my life in my upcoming book, Melanin Dipped Superwoman. Subscribe to my blog and follow my social media pages if you are interested in being a part of my journey.
~Dr. Jai
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